Presidential Politics 2016: Choosing the Real American Idol

Ted and Carly?

Those who tuned in to see Senator Ted Cruz announce Carly Fiorina as his running mate (on the off chance he’s named the 2016 presidential candidate of the Republican Party) were in for a surprise when she started singing. Who knew that the former CEO of tech giant Hewlett-Packard had musical aspirations? But it started me thinking. We’re all totally sick of this never-ending presidential primary season. Who wants to read more about Cruz speeches, Bernie rallies, Trump tweets?  Caucuses schmaucuses – how about something completely different? Something fun and telegenic. Like, perhaps, a TV reality show.

The biggest challenge would be which format to pick. There’s the aptly-named Big Brother: dump all the candidates in an isolated house (Camp David, maybe?) and watch the dogfight. Along the same lines, there’s Survivor: wouldn’t it be lovely to send everyone to some distant island, full of scorpions and other nasty critters, and discover just who is capable of emerging triumphant? And let’s not forget the very weird Naked and Afraid. I suspect that Hillary Clinton would not look presidential if she had to shed her pantsuit and go on a wilderness adventure in the altogether, but it would be instructive to learn which of her male opponents has the balls (sorry!) to compete minus jockey shorts and hair gel. (Of course, if candidates’ spouses were included on this trek, Melania Trump would have a clear advantage, since she seems to be quite comfortable wearing little or nothing. I can’t imagine Heidi Cruz enjoying this, though Bill Clinton would certainly be up for getting into the spirit of things.)

But let’s dial it back a bit, and consider formats that require less nudity and more talent. Carly Fiorina has already made it clear that she enjoys singing. So what about reviving the now defunct American Idol for the duration of the presidential campaign? Tammy Wynette’s “Stand by Your Man” would be a natural for Hillary. For the Donald, I suggest reviving a ballad from Frank Loesser’s 1961 hit Broadway musical, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. (You may not recall – I certainly didn’t – that the show is based on a humorous parody of a how-to manual, whose subtitle is “The Dastard's Guide to Fame and Fortune.”) Anyway, the song I have in mind is called “I Believe in You.”  Here are the opening lyrics:

            “You have the cool, clear eyes
            Of a seeker of wisdom and truth;
            Yet there's that upturned chin
            And that grin of impetuous youth.
            Oh, I believe in you.
            I believe in you.”

Yes, the leading man sings the song—to himself, as he’s looking into his shaving mirror. As for the other candidates, I can think of more than one (John Kasich? Chris Christie?) who’d be well suited to warbling “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.” 

Or maybe—on behalf of candidates who are certainly tone-deaf from time to time—it’s better if our show is a variation on Dancing With the Stars. I can imagine Jeb Bush scoring with a sedate little waltz. Ted Cruz probably does a mean Texas two-step, and Marco Rubio (who has a Cuban heritage and high-heeled cowboy boots) is surely a whiz when it comes to salsa dancing. Given his kibbutz years, Bernie Sanders might be able to manage a spirited hora. And I’d certainly like to see Dr. Ben Carson do the cupid shuffle.

There’s a brides-choosing-wedding-gowns show I love, called Say Yes to the Dress. How about, this primary season, something like Say No to the Blow-Hard? Or, perhaps, simply Say No to the Schmo?  Works for me!

Korean Wedding Guests: Put a Ringer on It

Jon Stewart just said his goodbyes. Donald Trump and his fellow Republicans – all sixteen of them -- just crowded the stage for their first debate. There’s blood in the streets at home and abroad. So why am I thinking about weddings in South Korea? 

Well, everybody loves weddings, especially those who stand to profit from them financially: caterers, florists, musicians, wedding guests. Huh? Wedding guests? Well, apparently in South Korea huge weddings are all the rage. The one time I visited Seoul, back in the Sixties, middle-class families didn’t even own what we Americans would consider basic household necessities. In a Korean kitchen, instead of a refrigerator, you’d see a giant ceramic jar filled with kimchee: that’s how you’d have (pickled) vegetables to eat in wintertime. How times have changed! Thanks to a tech boom, the Korean economy is soaring. And conspicuous consumption is now the name of the game.

If you’re throwing a lavish wedding with all the trimmings, the last thing you want to see is empty seats at the ceremony and around the banquet tables. Fortunately, some creative Korean business types have stepped in to fill the void. There are agencies that, for a fee, will provide you with professional guests, guaranteed to exude good cheer and good manners. Presumably they will not get slammed at the open bar, make fools of themselves on the dance floor, start fights with members of the wedding party, or otherwise make a scene. We’ve surely known movie comedies in which all of the above happens (and maybe experienced it in real life too.). But count on Korea’s guests-for-hire to emulate our better selves.

The Korean guests know how to behave because they’re professional actors, adept at meeting the requirements of a role. Their agencies book them into back-to-back weddings, especially during the summer months, but they have other, more lucrative gigs as well. They’ve been known, in sticky situations, to impersonate a boss or a visiting relative. If someone is applying for a bank loan, they can stand in for a missing spouse.

I think we Americans are losing out on a good thing. Actors always need work, and there are times we could all surely use additional charming guests at our parties and loyal sidekicks in our entourage. There are more specialized needs too. For instance, single guys looking to curry favor with sympathetic family-oriented women would benefit from having an adorable kid or two in tow. Why not rent? (Yes, I too see the dangers of this option. But let my fertile imagination take me where it will!)

Though South Koreans are paving the way, it’s true that Hollywood—fittingly—has always enjoyed depicting weddings that are not quite for real. In the wake of such movies as The Wedding Singer (1998) and The Wedding Planner (2001), this year we’ve had The Wedding Ringer (2015), about a guy who rents himself out to social nerds to pose as their life-of-the-party best man. Most underemployed (and who isn’t?) actors would consider this a dream gig.

Of course there’s a time-honored tradition of hiring a claque to cheer your performance, whether you’re appearing in a play or a political debate. Yes, politicians, all of whom are actors in their own right, sometimes need to manufacture an enthusiastic crowd. Let’s take this one step further: if there are fake crowds, why not fake politicians, who are in fact actors hired to fill a particular ideological slot? Give them a few position papers, toss in a few snappy lines, and watch what happens. Hmmmm, maybe this explains Donald Trump.