Admit it: you (like me) are a sucker for intriguing lists,
especially those with a Hollywood connection. While trying to get some work
done (yes, really), I couldn’t help being distracted by a link to a site called
Ranker, which was touting its survey of the “The 30+ Ugliest Former Child Actors.” This snarky post by someone named Robert Wabash enjoys bashing cute show
biz kids who have turned into what he calls “train-wreck adults.” He accuses
them of growing up to look like Muppets, despite the fact that “most
of them made more money before they lost their virginity than you'll make your
whole life.”
Well, okay. I’ve always been interested in the careers of
child actors. Let’s see whom he’s accusing of taking ugly pills. I can’t
pretend to know every name on the list, since at some point in my life I
stopped watching sitcoms. And what I mostly have to go on is the photos on the
site. I must admit Eric Bonsall, who was
a cherubic little tyke on Family Ties,
looks pretty creepy with his stubble and his neck tattoo. (Sounds as though he’s
had serious run-ins with the law, which goes with his new look.) Macaulay
Culkin, who’s had his share of problems since he scored with Home Alone in 1990, looks disturbingly
strung out. It’s a surprise to see Jonathan Lipnicki, so adorable in Jerry Maguire, sporting a tattoo and a
six-pack, though I’m not sure he qualifies as ugly. (And this photo might
certainly reflect him in a costume, of sorts, for a movie role. Ditto for
Frankie Muniz’s mohawk.) Yes, Raven-Symoné looks far more zoftig than in her Cosby Show days, but I assume this is
puberty kicking in. Like most of us civilians, kid actors tend to gain a little
weight as they age.
Two women on the list should be congratulated for getting
their lives together. Mackenzie Phillips and Oscar-winner Tatum O’Neal both had
unconventional childhoods, early success, and drug problems. The wonder is that
they both seem to be back in action -- and look pretty good, despite all they’ve
survived.
Then there are the photos of ex-child stars who look like (and
apparently are) perfectly normal adults. Like Mara Wilson, of Mrs. Doubtfire and Matilda. And Fred Savage, once the adorable star of The Wonder Years, who’s now a family man
with a budding career as a director and producer. He doesn’t look ugly in the
photo posted by Wabash, just grown-up. Mayim Bialik, who made gawkiness a
trademark on TV’s Blossom, still gets
laughs on The Big Bang Theory. It
doesn’t seem fair to call her ugly, though she can justly be accused of nerdiness,
thanks to her PhD in neuroscience.
Perhaps the most interesting figures on Wabash’s list are
Daniel Radcliffe and Haley Joel Osment, both poised for adult success but both
not immune to the perils of the adult world. After a drunk driving episode,
Osment headed for rehab. I hope it works for him, as it eventually did for
another on the “ugly” list, Clint Howard. True, the Howard boys – with their hair
loss and scraggly teeth – are not beauties. Clint, in fact, has made a career
of his oddball looks. But we should all have the success in life that Ron
Howard’s had, bald pate or no.
When writing for the Hollywood
Reporter’s annual Showbiz Kids issue, I interviewed Amanda Bynes, who was
then starring in her own Nickelodeon show. At 13, she seemed level-headed. Now
she’s a train-wreck. Pretty, yes, but with a growing rap sheet. That to me is ugly.
